Before everything begins I should probably explain that this entry is a reflection of my work in progress; thus, this entry will be as well. I am the third of three children. I am the baby by “ a long shot.” Both of my siblings, a brother and sister, are significantly older than me. My parents are very loving and supportive. As a child, I did not want for anything. It was like my support system was on a ten all the time: my mom and dad got me what I asked for and my sister followed up with what they did not to ensure that I was trendy (hair, nails, clothes, and etc). As a result I became spoiled; I also became particular in that I wanted: what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it. At the age of 20 I wrote a 10-year plan that included my boyfriend at that time, a law degree, his job as a Spanish interpreter and children. 9 Years later I literally have none of the previously listed. Not that that’s a bad thing. The 10-year plan was written without consulting God. I was not born again then. Now, I am single, a mental health professional with no children. I am seeking God for what he will have me to do, go, help, and etc.
As I continue to grow in His grace I learn more. One of the biggest learning experiences for me has been that of perfection: getting on the potter’s wheel; opening my heart to God exposing my wickedness, hopes, dreams, plans and giving him free reign to do what he sees fit to his vessel. God has shown me that he wants to use me and I want it to be optimal. I’ll admit, I had a season that I wanted to be in “ministry” so badly. Imagine my surprise when I learned the least common denominator of true ministry is servitude. Servitude caused me to learn other things such as selflessness and humility-neither of which have been easy for me. My concept of getting what I want and operating within my own will are challenged daily as I strive to be perfected: letting patience have her perfect work, walking out Matthew 5:44, humbling myself in the presence of God to be exalted in his time, resisting envy,… the list goes on and on.
There are days that my carnality would have me to run to what I know to be comfortable. Some days it’s a struggle to put one foot in front of the other in fear of what may or may not come next. This process has provided me with a preview of what it means to trust God. It has also taught me that it must be ongoing, it is essential, and that there is no other way. As I continue in transparency I will admit that there are times I would like God to pamper me: respond to my calls in urgency just like my daddy would, pat me up when I’m crying-whole 9. It’s a beautiful experience in the natural. However, in the spirit I am learning that I have to learn to wait. I have to learn to humble myself. I have to be disciplined. These are all factors of being a soldier. Even as I type God has just reminded me that if my father knows how to give me good gifts, how much more does He? With that said, I’ll sign off here.
